Achoo!!

It's pollen season in North Carolina.  Now, you hear people all over the world complaining about pollen in the spring, but until you've experienced the pollen that you get here, don't judge.  It's horrendous.  You see, this area is where you find the Long Leaf Pine Tree.  There's millions of them covering the vast area known as Fort Bragg.

To give you a mental image....you know back in the day when you had the job at school of banging the chalk board erasers together and you had giant clouds of chalk dust hit you in the face.  Well, the wind blows, or a bird takes off from the tree, and a giant ploom of green dust just explodes.  Green and yellow dust blows down the street as the wind blows.  You get a little rain and all the dust runs off the house and forms yellow puddles.  I can't begin to tell you how bad it is.

Everytime you go to drive off in your car after having it parked outside, you need to run your wipers in order to look out the window.  My cars look flithy, but its useless washing them because they will look the same way they did before you washed them by the time you are done.  And my house...its a different color now, but I won't bother pressure washing it until the pollen is gone.

So most people I know are suffering from it.  I have been on Clariten for 3 or 4 weeks now.  Mikey has been put on Singulair so that he can stop coughing and hacking away and avoid asthma attacks.  I have to suction Mia's nose out with saline and give her Benadryl 2 - 3 times a day.  It's pretty revolting. 

And as for being outside....you feel dirty like you've been rolling about in sand and by the time you come inside you resemble a yellow smiley face.

So bring on the rain, to wash this nasty pollen away!!

Day 30: I Miss....

It's the last day of the 30 Day Photo Challenge, which obviously took a lot longer than 30 days. My bad. I did finish it though right?

Haha!! I miss Jeremy everyday.  Today especially.  Mia woke me up 4 times last night so I'm exhausted because all I want is some sleep.  She's whiny and tired, and is currently on her second time out in her room and its only lunch time.  I wish I could just escape these tantrums and not be the bad guy for just one day.  I also have Jenn's two dogs here which equals a lot of fur.  I wish he was home to help me clean up said fur.  Mikey wants to play baseball out back...well, that's hard to do while wrangling 3 dogs and a grumpy 2 year old, so I wish Jeremy was here to play with Mikey.

I made delicious Blueberry Muffins this morning, and I wish that I could share that with him.  The race is on this afternoon and I wish I could watch it with him, and make bets on who will win.  Man I just miss him.  Weekends are just super long without him.  Yes I love playing with the kids, but I'm just so tired after almost 2 months of bad sleep and I would love a day off with some company just so that I can refresh my soul.

Argh, I so don't want to be negative.  So here are some good things that are happening.

I made really yummy Tilapia with Hollandaise Sauce yesterday for dinner.  Oh, and I have discovered Greek yogurt with caramel or fruit on the bottom.  Talk about amazing!!  And even being able to use it as a dip for fruit.  The best stuff ever!! For dinner tonight - Teriyaki Pork with steamed broccolli and carrots.  Yum! Oh, and I also made Whole Wheat Blueberry Pancakes yesterday for breakfast, and Blueberry Muffins this morning....notice a trend.

Oh man, Jenns dog Kiawah just farted.....thats ripe!!  It's bringing tears to my eyes......

The race is on this afternoon.  Racing at Bristol is amazing - it's got super high progressive banking which means that it gets steeper the higher up the track you go.  And it's a half-mile track shaped like the Colleseum in Rome.  So all the cars get really close together and the drivers can't relax for a second, and the crashes are spectacular.  So to win, you have to be aggresive and extrememly lucky!!

I pick Denny Hamlin to win, and Dennis Setzer to come in last....10 points for a win, 5 points for a top 5 for Denny, and 5 points if Dennis does infact finish last....

Field Trips

Today is a great day.  Mikey has a field trip to a play based on the book "Click Clack Moo".  I'm going dress shopping with Antonia.  Then I'm putting Mia in childcare after school so that Mikey and I can have a "date" at Chuck E Cheese. For the record, I hate Chuck E Cheese and it gives me major anxiety issues just thinking about it, but it's a reward for Mikey getting is behavior back on track, and it's very rare that Mikey and I get alone time.

So yay!! Good day!!

Here's the thing though.  I hated field trips as a a kid.  Not the actual destination - I liked that.  It was the bus ride. And I don't think I've ever told anyone about this before. Not even Mum.

I was always the shy kid, the nerdy kid.  And I never had a best friend growing up.  Every year the teachers put me in classes with no one from the previous year.  I guess they were trying to make me more sociable, but it backfired and I never felt like I had great friends.  Anyway, whenever there were field trips and we rode buses, every one paired up and had someone to sit with.  But I never had someone to sit with. So often I was all by myself with no one to laugh with and talk to on the bus.  Or even worse, I had to sit next to a teacher and make small talk because they felt sorry for me.

Once I was in high school it got a little better.  I had Chucky in 3rd and 4th form, and Lauren and a few others in 5th - 7th form. And I was so grateful for that because secretly I was freaking that I would be sitting by myself again.

It's stupid I know, but as a kid it mattered.  You want to be liked. You want to have someone want to be with you and talk to you.  You want a great friend. And these people who did sit with me are still great friends!! (Hi Lauren - I know you are reading this so I want to tell you thank you.)

So I hope Mikey gets to sit with another kid at school - he's on the shyer side and doesn't really have a best friend at school, but it's only 1st grade so I'm not sure thats really a big issue at this age. And I hope he really likes this field trip. He's been on two field trips before this - the first one he was sooooo sick and just wanted to sit down and didn't care about anything.  The second one he was so scared about that it actually made him sick - he was throwing up and crying when I dropped him off at school.  But once I got him into the classroom and talked to his teacher explaining things, he was fine and really enjoyed himself. And this time he was so excited and practically bounced into the classroom!

I'm always going to be the nervous Mommy and worry about the kids because I never want them to experience what I did in school.  I don't worry about Mia so much, but I see a lot of me in Mikey.  But I will always do whatever I can do to make sure the teacher will help him and watch out for him. 

Day 29: Smile!!

I've already posted the pictures that make me smile because they make me laugh too.  So tonight I'll be relying on google a bit....and I'm pretty bored tonight too, so it will give me something to do to fill in the evening. And yes, American Idol is on, but I have an inability to just sit down and watch TV.  I have to be doing something at the same time.    It drives Jeremy crazy, but he's not here so who cares.

This picture amuses me since Fed Ex and UPS are rival companies.  I take it that Fed Ex wins in this case which works for me since as a NASCAR fan I prefer Denny Hamlin over David Ragin.

This picture is just so wrong in so many ways, but it's pretty funny.

This picture is my signature picture for one of the forums I belong to.  On one thread they were saying something kind about the person who posted before them.  And the girl after me posted that I'm pretty brave to have a furry, smiling poop on my signature. HAHAHAHAHA....I just about peed my pants reading that. I think the Kiwifruit (Dang it - I almost wrote Kiwi...I've been in America too long).

Mia wanted so badly to go outside to play this day.  I told her no because it was really wet outside. And she had no pants on as well.  Mia, thinking outside of the box decided to put on rainboots and a hat...because she wouldn't get wet if she did that.  Good thinking girl....not quite right though...

Jeremy got to take Mikey to PT this morning back when we were at Fort Drum.  Mikey thought it was sooo cool being able to run with Daddy, and I think he even got to carry the company flag at one point. Aren't they cute!!!

Day 28: What am I afraid of?

Wow, this is a hard one.  There are a lot of things I am afraid of.  Mostly of people I love getting hurt or and these are things which are realities right now considering where some of my loved ones are.  I really don't want to think about that though.

I want to think about happy things.  I want to enjoy what there is to enjoy now.  Tonight I held a friends baby, and even though I was covered in puke, I didn't care.  I was holding a beautiful 2 month old baby. I look at my daughter absolutely enchanted by watching Tinkerbell, and then pretending she is a fairy.  Or watching her take care of her babies like a good mommy. I look at Mikey watching a race and seeing him so inspired and completely in the moment and taking everything in. I love him reading me a book, and telling me the silliest jokes.

I love seeing the sun, the trees filled with blossom, my daughter picking flowers....well, it's weeds but I won't tell her that. I love getting phonecalls from my husband and seeing my kids faces light up hearing his voice.

There are so many things that I don't want to be taken away. And I'm not the most superstitious person, and I don't particularly like conspiracy theories.  But in light of all these events taking place around the world, I do have to consider something....

Day 27: A Picture of Me and a Family Member

Believe it or not, it's actually quite hard to find a picture of me, or me and a family member. Mostly because I'm usually the one taking the picture, or we're not all together to have a picture taken.  But this one here is in New Zealand at the beach near Paekakariki.  Mia was about 14 months old, and Mikey was about to turn 5.

This was taken at Lake Eola, Orlando by Lori Barberly.  That was such a fun day and the kids were having a blast being at the center of attention!

Censoring

There's been a few events in the past few weeks that have rocked me to my core. 

* The earthquake in New Zealand where I was worried about the safety of my friends and family, and then seeing the devastation of Christchurch.

* The murder of my friends father.

* The earthquake and subsequent tsunami in Japan.  Although I was horrified watching the images on TV, I didn't stop to think that I would know anyone there.  Until I got the text from my mother-in-law saying that Ronnie was safe.  He's my mother-in-laws cousin who lives down in Deltona. But he's been working in the airline industry in Japan, and was in Narita during the earthquake. 

"We were in the Japan Airlines maintenance hangar when the shaking started, and it kept on shaking and rolling. It was a very long quake and I would say it was over 3 minutes long maybe up to 4 minutes. The hangar floor was rolling left and right, and up and down.

There was a Boeing 777-300 in the hangar and it was moving about 3 foot side to side and up and down. This is a very big hangar and it was shaking violently, but the one thing that really struck me as different was the pressure wave. The wind was blowing and my ears popped several times during the quake.

 



After the quake, we made it back to the hotel which is new and is constructed to withstand large earthquakes. We are safe in the hotel but because it sits on springs and rubber shocks anytime the earth moves just a little bit the hotel sways and rocks back and forth. This is very un-nerving and does not make for comfortable sleeping".

 

We know he is safe. The embassy knows where he is, but we want him home where he's far away from the Nuclear Reactors.  But he's safe.

The thing with these events is that I can talk about them.  If I'm upset I can pick up the phone and talk it out, or write about it on here.  I don't have to worry about someone getting hurt or being put in danger by what I say. 

But as a military wife, there are just some things you can't do or say.  You're always aware that the wrong person may hear or see something that you've communicated about and use it against you, or others. There are a lot of bumper stickers and magnets for cars available that I used to think were super cute when I was younger, but now I see it as a bit irresponsible.  It's like advertising that you're soldier is gone and an invitation for someone to follow you home and....well yeah, you can only image what could happen as a result.

You can't tell people when your soldier is coming home (mostly because you have no clue) but if you did know the time or date, and the wrong person gets that information, then it's jeopardising the safety of hundreds.  You can't give out details of things which have occured.  I can't just pick up the phone or call people about something that has happened.  There are some things that soldiers just can't tell you, which just leaves you hanging.

It's like you live part of your life under censorship.  Sometimes you know something and you think you are about to explode without letting it out and having someone talk you through things, or even just to empathise or just understand what you're going through. You just want to scream and let it out.

But you can't.

You have to just hold it in and process things the best that you can. And then pray.  There's nothing more you can do. 

* <event number 4>

All I can tell you is that everything is fine for my family.  We're OK. And that I have reinforced that I will never take things for granted.

My new toy

So, let me back up a week and a half.  This story occurs at Red Lobster when Mia was in the midst of a temper tantrum from 'Nam.

THE temper tantrum which caused my handbag to be knocked down onto the floor, and said child being removed from the restaurant kicking and screaming being held like a football.  Not pleasant.

Well, apparently I didn't check under the table well enough to get everything back into my bag, because my camera is no where to be found. Sigh.  I hadn't got around to putting the pictures from the camera onto my new computer, so I've lost pictures from when Jeremy left and Mikey's awards etc. In the grand scheme of things, it could have been worse. It's only a month when not a lot of significant things have happened, and it's not like when one of the kids wiped every single picture off my computer.  That sucked!! Unless I had posted a picture onto Photobucket or Facebook about 2 years of the kids life was gone. Fortunately, I could get a lot back. or I stole pictures that other people had posted of the kids. Sucky, but could have been worse.

So because I'm going to Darlington, SC tomorrow for the NASCAR Camping World Truck Race...AND we have pit passes so Mikey might be able to meet some drivers, I thought it would be beneficial to get a new camera.  I'm now the proud owner of a Fujifilm Finepix S1800.  It wasn't what I was originally going to get, but the explanation as to why I got it leads me to another story....

My history of cameras isn't good.  It's worse than my track record with jewelry. And there's a reason why people don't buy me jewelry!! They know better!

So, the week before I left to go to Sweden back when I was 17 it was the school ball.  That's the equivalent of Prom, but Forms 5 - 7 could go (Now years 11 - 13 or the last three years of high school for you Americans).  Well, when we were getting our pictures taken, someone dropped my camera. I didn't discover that it was broken until I got to Sweden, and naturally I was very upset.  So some family friends - the Hewetsons, sent me a new camera and that was just the bees knees! 

That camera lasted me a good while.  I'm quite impressed actually that it survived my college days which were centered around drinking. Bravo!  Now, I must have had it still when I was in Korea because I remember getting pictures developed, but I don't remember what happened to it to be honest.

I upgraded to a digital camera when I was in Korea. Now, that was a cool camera because you could turn the lense around and see the screen as you took a picture of yourself.  Others must have thought it was cool too because some doushebag stole it at a bar on the Army Base we were at on New Years Eve.

It was replaced by a Sony for my birthday/Valentines gift just before we left Korea.  Again it lasted well, until it had a fight with sand and decided not to be able open and close it's lense. 

So Jeremy got me a Kodak just before he deployed the first time, but that camera just didn't like me.  It took crappy pictures and the batteries lasted two seconds.  In fact, to get it to work, you had to remove the batteries, turn them around just to take one picture.

So I upgraded again to a Canon which was a little complicated to use, but it took great pictures.  That camera had a fight with a jar of salsa at Mia's 1st birthday party.  I did send it in to get repaired hoping that they wouldn't find the salsa....but they did and the camera went to camera heaven.  So I was forced to use crappy Kodak again until Jeremy got me the Nikon Coolpix for Mother's Day last year. It was decent, but the indoor pictures weren't great. And as I explained before, it was laid to rest at Red Lobster never to be found again.

As I was looking at camera's today and feeling confident that I had researched thoroughly, I saw the Fujifilm camera.  It was a great price, great reviews and feedback from the customer service people - pretty equal to the one I was going to get (A Canon SD1300 for the record which was the same price).  But the benefit here is that it's chunky!  I can put it around my neck and if it gets knocked onto the floor I'm more likely to see it. Plus it offers a few more features than a regular point and shoot camera, so I'm pretty happy right now.

So bring on tomorrow, and here's to lots of pictures of me and my family in our happy racing world! (And a few blessings for the camera that it can survive its owner.

PS. I remember what happened to the camera I got in Sweden.  It got covered in water at the Full Moon Party on Koh Panang, Thailand.

Tragic

Sometimes you just need to write to make yourself feel better. This unfortunately is one of these occassions.

I've been a part of an online forum for Army Wives for a few years.  I met some of my closest friends from this site including some that I have never met.  While I haven't been on for a while - I'm getting old, and get tired of drama so I prefer to be around more positive people - I haven't forgotten many of these wonderful ladies.  Many are friends on facebook.

One of the girls, Valerie is the most wonderful people known to man.  We both suffered from Post-partum Depression and helped each other recover.  She has the cutest son.  She is so talented, friendly and supportive. She's one of these people that I look at and think "I wish I could be more like her". She's the girl who will help anyone, and go far and beyond whats necessary to make things happen and make things better for other people.  And people love her for it.

Well, her father went missing Monday night.  He was on a business trip in Mississippi, but never checked into his hotel.  His rental car was discovered off I-40 in Tennessee, and the two men in the car fled when they were pulled over. The two suspects were escaped prisoners from Alabama. 

They have been searching for these two men, and for her father, and so many people were praying for his safe return.  Unfortunately, it was jsut released that they found his body behind a hotel in Alabama.  The two suspects have not been found.

My heart just breaks for Val and her family. From everything I've heard, he was an amazing husband, father and friend. And it's such a tragic ending to a wonderful life.

I just don't understand how people can take another persons life.  Do they have no heart? What could this man possibly have done to these people?

I hope many of us can get together to do something for Val.  I know nothing can replace her father, but I want her to know that she has so many people around the country who love her.

So I am starting....

I admit it.  I've been putting it off. But today I did something for me...I went to the gym.  And I ran!!  I know - that's so unlike me!  But I actually surprised myself that I wasn't dying after 30 seconds.  Antonia came with me and we put Levi and Mia in the toy room that has a glass window separating it from the gym area.  Works great in theory, but 2 years are not the best sharers, and they are also escape artists.  But they'll get better if we keep at it, and I still managed to get a decent workout.

So it's a start.  We're planning on going again tomorrow morning, and adjusting our time to where the kids might not be so grouchy. And it was nice to have adult conversation too.  That's always a good thing.

I also got some interesting news this morning.  I was confused for a while because the first message I got said "Wow, first one".  This was at 6:45am, so I thought it was Dee playing some kind of game....or something else that crossed my mind, and I really don't want to write on here what I thought it was. <lalalalalalala....hands over ears>.  I got this message on my phone, and it wasn't until I got on the computer that I realised it was Dee wanting addresses to send wedding invitations to us and needing our addresses.  Her "wow, first one" response was intended for Hannah who was the first to respond.

So my "cousin" Lori is getting married at the end of May!! (And I forgot to tell Jeremy when he called me this morning...woops) Lori is my Mother-in-laws cousin.  So that's fun!  I'll need to go dress shopping now which scares me on the best of days, but I am excited for her, and excited for a reason to shop!

Anyway, lets hope I can keep motivated to go to the gym from now on, because I really did have a good time!

Day 26: What means the most

So, I've been thinking about this for a long time. And I can't come up with an answer.  There are so many things that mean a lot to me, but I'm an Army Wife...it's hard to get attached to things because they get taken away from you so quickly and easily.

You meet great friends and then they move. You get a great town or house to live in, and then you move. You have your husband home, and then he leaves.

I have so many things around the house that I love - like this picture that my friend Kathryn gave me when Jeremy and I got married.  It's a print by a New Zealand artist, Gordon Walters called Kahukura.

Now, the actual print is not what is meaningful, but it's the letter that Kathryn wrote to go with it. So, I hope she doesn't mind, but I actually want to share with you some of what she shared with me. 

"The picture is made up of a representation of the Koru (A spiral drawn from the unravelling of the fern frond, which symbolizes new life in Maori culture, but also prevails in cultures worldwide)....Walters drew inspiration from kowhaiwhai patterns. These patterns, which represent the ancestors, are painted in white, black and red on the rafters of the wharenui, or Maori meeting house. The depict the whanau or family of the tribe.....Walters plays with the ambiguities of figure-groud relationships in his work; neither black or white dominates exclusively, and neither can they be seen without the other.....Your marriage is the fusion of two people, two families, and two nationalities, to create one more extensive family. I hope you two compliment each other like the figure and the ground in Walter's work..."

So it's not so much the print, but the letter and explanation that means a lot.  And it sits above our headboard and a daily reminder of its meaning.

Which reminds me.  There's one more thing that means a lot to me, apart from my family.  I always wear it around my neck, and I feel disconnected and naked without it.

The Twist pendant means 'Eternity'. The twist comes in many forms symbolizing many roads crossed during life. Strength and bonding of family or friends can also be linked to the twist.

I often feel upset that I'm losing so much of my Kiwiness.  I have a couple of friends out here in Fayetteville who are from New Zealand and they still have their accents.  Apart from a few words, I don't.  I have forgotten about my slang, and the way of life growing up.  I go home and I stick out rather than blending in. And it's hard.  So I have my silver fern tattoo on my inner right wrist, so when my hand is over my heart, my heart is always home.  And I have my greenstone pendant that will always bring me home.

So I may move, my family may be separated, my friends may be oceans away, but these items are always with me to make sure my heart is at the right place.

FRG Stress

Aaaaaarrrggghhh!! So anyone who knows me, knows that I am not leadership material.  Yet I am an FRG Leader.  How the heck did this happen?  Well, tomorrow night is the first meeting, and I am pretty sure that no one will show up. There are only 56 families in my company, and I don't have contact with about half of them.  That's not my fault - I can't take responsibility for things that happened a long time ago before I came around.  I have called people, sent e-mails, and got virtually no responses.  Apart from the people that I have contact with on a regular basis anyhow.

And then I am scared.  I have social anxiety. I am shy.  I am pretty sure I can do the agenda part, but if I'm expected to socialise after the meeting, that's where I break down.

And then there's the Mia factor.  I can garuntee you that she will need to pee a thousand times, or break down because I can't give her the required attention right there and then.  I am seriously considering putting the kids in childcare during the meeting.  I wish I could trust them not to fight or have a tantrum, but I am risking a lot there. It's not very professional to have them meltdown. But at the same time I am trying to advertise the meetings as being child-friendly.

Then there's my other issue.  I've made it pot-luck because it's hard to arrange a meeting around dinnertime, especially in Ft Bragg where people live 30 minutes plus from the base. What should I bring for people to eat, just incase people don't bring anything, without breaking the bank?  Or maybe I just shouldn't stress about that.

Yeah, I know.  I stress about EVERYTHING and my husband isn't here to calm me down.

Well, here's an update on Mia.  Her tantrums have lessened.  Which is nice.  And if she's naughty, I can put her in her room and she'll calm down relatively quickly as opposed to the hours it took before hand.  And often the threat of going to her room will make her stop.  But here's my next issue.  THE KIDS WON'T STOP FIGHTING!! All day.  Everyday.

Now, my theory is that fighting siblings is a good thing.  My brother and I never fought, and now we don't keep in contact, except through Facebook occassionally.  Now, my husband and SIL fought like cats and dogs, but now are pretty close.  And I think they would be even if Jenn and I weren't close too.

Oh well, my New Years Resolution was to be more positive. (And to lose weight, eat healthier and look after myself....ah, yeah, I still plan on that).  So here's me trying....I will get through this week and then enjoy the truck race next Saturday. 

Tantrums

Well, if anyone knows my daughter, you know that she's the Queen of Tantrums.  She always has been.  I lie, she was great for the first 4 days and then the screaming ensued.

It did get better as she could talk a little more, but for the most part, it's a daily thing.  I used to think that tantrums were a lot to do with bad parenting.  Well, I still think it is sometimes, but not always.  I don't give into her.  I don't bribe her. I ignore her as much as I can. I've tried pretty much everything in the book.  Apart from sniffing fruit scented stuff which is supposed to stop the tantrum in about 5 seconds (google it...).  I might have tantrums too if it meant that I get to sniff yummy stuff....

It's been insanely bad since Jeremy left.

For instance, I was out for dinner at Red Lobster with Chelsey the other night.  We went early so that the kids wouldn't be starving.  She ate well, then decided she was done and started screaming uncontrolably.

Now when I say she screams, I'm not kidding.  There's no talking her down.  There's no cuddling her.  There's no stopping her until she's done....and these tantrums can last over an hour.  Sometimes two hours.  The more I try to intervene, the worse it gets. 

She usually goes into her room and shuts her door, which has a kiddie lock on it so I can open it from the outside but she can't open the door - I would never get any sleep if she could get out of her room at night. She will scream, cry, beat the door, yell...until she finally gives up.

I understand that she is having a hard time with Jeremy being gone, and that she just doesn't understand where he is.  She thinks he's still in an airplane.  And he told her he would be back to take her trick or treating, so she keeps asking if its Haloween yet. I get it. It stinks for her, but there comes a point where she just needs to learn how to deal with it, but these tantrums aren't the way. I need to be able to take her places like the grocery store without her melting down.

So in desparation I emptied her bedroom.  She has a bed, her blanky, bears and pillow. Everything else is in my room with my door locked. She was really good when we went out yesterday so she earned some toys back.  Until this morning when the tantrums started at 6am and didn't stop until an hour after we took Mikey to school.  Needless to say, she lost those toys again.

I'm starting to see some progress.  If she starts I can just ask her if she wants to go into her room...with nothing in it, and that can sometimes get her to stop and reconsider. Other times she goes into her room, slamming the door behind her and I just have to let her have at it until she calms down. If she can go a decent ammount of time, especially out in public I'll reward her with some toys back, and take them back if she regresses. And hopefully she will decide not to have the tantrums at all if she doesn't want to get stuck in her room.  It's not going to happen over night, but I remain hopeful.

I may be doing things completely "wrong", but I do believe that kids need to let things out, and they don't have the verbal skills that adults have. So I hope that I am teaching her how and when to let it out, and that when she calms down I will love her and hug her like it never happened.

Being a parent is so hard!!