Couch to 5K

So, instead of sitting here complaining that I haven't fulfilled my goals I set for this deployment, I decided to do something proactive.  A girl I know from a military wife forum mentioned that she was doing the Couch to 5K program, and that it was an app.  I downloaded it...and that was it.

Then another girl said that she was about to start it, and the other girls progress seemed pretty impressive. So I went to the community center on post, put the kids in the child care room with the big glass window so I can keep an eye on them.  And then I ran. 

OK, so you walk, run, walk, run....etc.  Intervals really, and every week pushes you that little bit extra and by the end of 9 weeks you can supposedly run 45 minutes straight.  Well, so far so good.  I'm up to Week 2, Day 3 - I took a rest today to get our hair cut.  So I won't feel guilty about that since that was also one of my goals at the beginning of the year.

I'm going to try to squeeze in a run tomorrow, that's if I have time.  And well, Saturday is an exciting day.  But I won't give up.  I'm going to finish this!! And maybe do one of the Family 5k's that they have at Bragg every so often.

Oh, and the kids have been having swimming lessons too.  I'm in the pool with them the entire time.  Mia is a natural and a star student.  I swear she is part fish.  And Mikey is growing more confident and gaining skills everyday.  He can even do cannon balls now which to me is a pretty big deal.  I'm very proud of both my babies!!

Patience

 Every military spouse requires a huge amount of patience.  It's part of the job requirement.  You spend so much time sitting around waiting for the curve ball to be thrown at you because you know it's going to come every time.

It would be nice to be able to plan, and to have definite times and dates.  Instead we have calendars covered in pencil so that we can erase over and over, and have our hearts break and explode with joy on a daily basis.

Murphy's Law is the military spouses law.  I swear it was written just for us.  Because everything that can go wrong is guaranteed to go wrong at the worst possible time.  But that's also why they invented duct tape, and blessed the spouses with immense patience.

So while I sit here tapping my toes, erasing my endless notes on my calendar...I'll continue to control the things that I have the power to control. And I'll feel damn good about doing it!!

Well...

OK, so I'm not that crabby but that's how I feel lately. It's not about anything going on in my life since I only have things to look forward to, but the way I've seen other people treating each other. I just don't like conflict or rudeness. 

There's a Facebook group that I've been a part of for a long time now, and I loved it because it was just genuinely good women with interesting things to say.  There was never any drama, backstabbing, rudeness, name calling, and people actually tried to be respectful of each other.  It was so nice and refreshing. But of course there's been a change in vibe the last few weeks and I couldn't stand it anymore.

While I agree that when you're on the internet, things written can be taken the wrong way, and you're really putting yourself out there for public scrutiny.  But what I don't understand is why people think that the anonymity you have online is an excuse for bad behavior.  You wouldn't be in a grocery store and cussing away, so why do it online? You wouldn't be rude and jump down someones throat while having a face to face conversation, but yet people can be so hurtful online.  And I don't like it.

So yeah, I can be crabby with the best of them, and sometimes even a bit of a bitch.  But one thing I really like about myself is that I am nice.  There are plenty of people in the world I don't like, so I avoid them and don't feel the need to talk badly about them.  I can keep it quietly to myself.  And if I'm having a bad day and I'm just cranky (2 kids + summer vacation + deployment = crabby Mamma), I can be pleasant enough to everyone and feel guilty if I do make someone feel bad.  And if that's the case I apologize. It's pretty simple.

Trying to maintain my cool...

So, last you heard from me, Mikey had just been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and some kind of movement disorder. After telling some of my FRG helpers about it, it was offered that Jeremy could come home. We both decided that it was unnecessary and I'll be fine until he comes home. 

We've had some nice times over the vacation.  Mia turned 3 and we had a birthday party for her along with Grammy - they share a birthday. Unfortunately Grammy had come down with Shingles, so most of the family couldn't come since they had never had Chicken Pox, and getting it as an adult can be really bad.  But we had a really nice time, and Mia's birthday dreams came true.

The kids both had dentist appointments, and they both did great. Even Mia let the dentist brush her teeth.

We've been to the pool a few times.  I got a life jacket for Mia that clips at the back and has floaty arms so she swims happily around the pool.  Mikey still doesn't swim, but he enjoys hanging out in the water. I've enrolled both the kids in swimming lessons beginning July 25th, so lets hope it gives them both confidence in the water.

4th of July was fun. We went with Jenn out to Columbia, SC to the mall there which had a cute outdoor craft market. We had an amazing Mediterranean dinner and enjoyed the fireworks which were almost rained out with a crazy lightning storm. The following day Jenn's house was packed up and loaded for her move down to Florida.  I'm happy that she'll be out of the ghetto town otherwise known as Florence, SC, but really sad that she won't be close by anymore.

So Mikey's MRI was a disaster.  He needs a MRI of his brain to check for possible neurological conditions that could be causing his tics. The exact description on his referral is "movement disorder with some mild choreoathetotic overtones (though more like tic symptoms); Please assess the periventricular area and basal ganglia" I don't exactly know what all that means, hence the reason I am not in the medical field, but I hope we get some answers.

It really was a nightmare.  He was given Versad through an IV which is unpleasant as it is. Most kids chill out and relax with Versad, but it made Mikey feel like he was really drunk.  Every time he closed his eyes, he saw trippy visions which scared him, so he wouldn't relax, wouldn't close his eyes, wouldn't stop talking...and after the maximum dosage his blood pressure started dropping so the MRI was cancelled.  And to make matters worse, the room was hot, my blood sugar dropped, and between that and anxiety, I almost passed out.  I had to be taken to another room to lay down.  So it was really unpleasant.

The next step is to go to another hospital where he'll be put to sleep with Proporfol in order to do the MRI. Mikey is terrified and the MRI caused him to have nightmares.  But I am hoping that his next experience will be much more pleasant.

Oh, and to reduce my stress levels, I've at least temporarily stepped down from the FRG Leadership position. I'm hoping its permanent, but that's only if someone else can step up and take over that...and as treasurer, and key caller.  Sigh.

Whats up doc?

Honestly, I don't know where to start. So I guess I'll start with what's going on about me.

ME:

I went to the doctor on Monday because I was concerned about my anxiety levels. I haven't been sleeping well.  I'll go to sleep fine, but wake up at 2am and will be awake for a while.  I'm constantly exhausted as can be expected. And even though I haven't felt depressed, I've been so overwhelmed and absent minded it's rediculous.  I would lose my ass if it wasn't attached.

Then there's my inability to lose weight, and my skin is horrendous.

Just a bit of background, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety back in 2006, but I'm pretty proactive about treating it naturally before it gets bad.

Anyway, the doctor described me being an FRG Leader like this: "....it's like taking someone with a phobia of flying and falling, skydiving". And while she agrees with me that I can't live my life not doing things because of the anxiety, she doesn't like that I'm doing it. 

Oh, and it turns out that my itchy skin is infact atopic dermititis (excema) and is nasty. 

Nothing a tube of Cortizone and some Zoloft to get me back on track.  No biggie.

MIKEY:

I've been thinking for a long time that Mikey is autistic.  During testing when he was 4, they said he had symptoms but because he responded emotionally correct so he wasn't considered autistic.  He got speech therapy, occupational therapy and physical therapy through school and did really well.  He's doing excellent at school, and he tested out of any therapies here in North Carolina.  But I just knew in my heart that something was up.

Anyway, back in February I had put in another referal for testing.  They called me on Monday to tell me that they had a cancellation Tuesday and if I would like to come in.

So after chatting to his teacher, I went there and the evalutations started.  The doctor was wonderful.  She was so kind and patient and really listened to me and observed what I had been seeing for years.  I showed her these lists that he does all over his school work of Nascar drivers, their starting position, speed, sponsor, finishing position....writing things that he's imagining in his head. She saw him stiffen up and shake like he's done since he was 9 months old.

After many hours of questions, it's confirmed that he has Aspberger's Syndrome.  Honestly it's not a shock, and while it stinks, I'm glad that I have an answer and can move forward.  But he also has some kind of Movement Disorder, with tics.  It's not Tourettes because he doesn't have vocal tics, but it's something along those lines and most likely neurological.

So yesterday he got an ECG done on his heart, and a complete blood panel to include chromosome testing.  He'll be getting an MRI, and a full vision screening, and then he'll be sent to UNC Chapel Hill to see Movement Disorder specialists.  And we'll go from there and see if there is a medicine or treatment that can help with the tics.

ME AGAIN:

How do I feel about this all??

I don't know.

I've seen most of it coming for a while now, but not this testing and tics.  That's new. I feel extremely bad because I've been led to believe that he would outgrow these movements and to gently try to stop him when he does it.  But they are completely involuntary and I've probably been making things worse.

And I really hate that he has to have them.  No one wants to be different, and to have something that you hate and there's nothing you can do to stop them.  Heartbreaking.  But he's the same boy I've loved since before he was born. I'm fortunate that his austism isn't severe enough that he doesn't display affection, or show love.  He hugs me, and cuddles me, and loves me and tells me that he does.  I'm very fortunate.

I'm flip flopping between being upset, overwhelmed, happy for a diagnosis, looking forward to the future, scared for his future, wishing that my husband was here,...but all I can do is learn how to parent and raise Mikey the best, keep fighting for him, and become a better, more patient person myself so that I can give him the best future.  I want him to see that he might have some difficulties in life, but it's not an excuse to why he can't do things, but a reason why he CAN do whatever he wants.

We'll get there.



For the first time ever...

I feel scared.

My husbands battalion lost another soldier this weekend. It's a military wifes worst nightmare, and something that most of us file in that very back corner of our subconscious in a fireproof box labeled "Do Not Open". Because if we do open it, we're just flooded with too many emotions and none of us want to deal with them.

It's the second time in a month that I've had to send out that e-mail, and it doesn't get any easier. Pushing send makes it real.  It's not the useless FRG mail telling families about the mundane events going around post. There's nothing happy about it, and I'm overwhelmed every time I have to do it.

The first deployment my husband was 'just a cook'. For the record, don't ever tell a military cooks wife "Oh, he's just a cook" when they are sending their husband off to war.  They are soldiers too and can also be in harms way.  But you do try to believe that they are somewhat safer.  The second deployment my husband very rarely traveled, and for the most part sat behind a desk.  This time he has a desk job, but doesn't stop traveling.  And this terrifies me.

So I admit it.  My fire proof box is open and I am scared shitless.  After a bottle of wine tonight I will close it again for everybodies sake.  But for those of you who know me, my mask is off even if it is just temporary.

Pray for this soldier.  Pray for his wife and their 2 month old baby. Pray for the soldiers in harms way, their families, and pray that they come home safely.

I'm back

Hey....so it's been a while since I posted.

I was going to post pictures a while back of some fun things that I've been up to, but the truth is, I couldn't be bothered.  I spend so much time sending and recieving e-mails for the FRG, and then my phone pinging away with Facebook, that I just wanted a break from technology.

This month has been a good month.  I've spend a lot of time down in South Carolina doing fun things with my sister-in-law before she moves. And I've been keeping busy around home too. Mikey is still playing t-ball and loving it, and Mia is still....well, Mia.

So, today I had a Deployed Spouses Support Group Meeting.  There are just a few of us from the Battalion who meet up once or twice a month just to chat and let off steam.  I'm not big into religion - I have my beliefs and faith, but it's a personal thing, but the Chaplains wife who leads the group is such a wonderful person and really helps me see things in a better light which is so good for me.

As a military wife you see so many wives who break down and can't cope with deployments.  They whine and whine and whine, and honestly its the most irritating thing ever.  So it makes you feel that if you do vent and let it out, that you are weak and whiny.  Like, I get so rediculously cranky with my kids and sometimes I feel like the meanest Mom in the world.  But with this support group I can not only let it out, but I know that the other Mom's feel rediculously cranky too, and have the same fears as I do.  It's really refreshing actually.

It's not just me who feels guilty because I'm so used to deployments that they don't make me an emotional wreck anymore.  I'm not the only cranky person who sometimes worry that my kids don't love me because I'm so cranky. I'm not the only one who feels overwhelmed because there is so much to do that I can't even find time to do laundry and other housework.

I really wish that every military wife had this same kind of support, and that they had the guts to take advantage of it.