For the first time ever...

I feel scared.

My husbands battalion lost another soldier this weekend. It's a military wifes worst nightmare, and something that most of us file in that very back corner of our subconscious in a fireproof box labeled "Do Not Open". Because if we do open it, we're just flooded with too many emotions and none of us want to deal with them.

It's the second time in a month that I've had to send out that e-mail, and it doesn't get any easier. Pushing send makes it real.  It's not the useless FRG mail telling families about the mundane events going around post. There's nothing happy about it, and I'm overwhelmed every time I have to do it.

The first deployment my husband was 'just a cook'. For the record, don't ever tell a military cooks wife "Oh, he's just a cook" when they are sending their husband off to war.  They are soldiers too and can also be in harms way.  But you do try to believe that they are somewhat safer.  The second deployment my husband very rarely traveled, and for the most part sat behind a desk.  This time he has a desk job, but doesn't stop traveling.  And this terrifies me.

So I admit it.  My fire proof box is open and I am scared shitless.  After a bottle of wine tonight I will close it again for everybodies sake.  But for those of you who know me, my mask is off even if it is just temporary.

Pray for this soldier.  Pray for his wife and their 2 month old baby. Pray for the soldiers in harms way, their families, and pray that they come home safely.