Whats up doc?

Honestly, I don't know where to start. So I guess I'll start with what's going on about me.

ME:

I went to the doctor on Monday because I was concerned about my anxiety levels. I haven't been sleeping well.  I'll go to sleep fine, but wake up at 2am and will be awake for a while.  I'm constantly exhausted as can be expected. And even though I haven't felt depressed, I've been so overwhelmed and absent minded it's rediculous.  I would lose my ass if it wasn't attached.

Then there's my inability to lose weight, and my skin is horrendous.

Just a bit of background, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety back in 2006, but I'm pretty proactive about treating it naturally before it gets bad.

Anyway, the doctor described me being an FRG Leader like this: "....it's like taking someone with a phobia of flying and falling, skydiving". And while she agrees with me that I can't live my life not doing things because of the anxiety, she doesn't like that I'm doing it. 

Oh, and it turns out that my itchy skin is infact atopic dermititis (excema) and is nasty. 

Nothing a tube of Cortizone and some Zoloft to get me back on track.  No biggie.

MIKEY:

I've been thinking for a long time that Mikey is autistic.  During testing when he was 4, they said he had symptoms but because he responded emotionally correct so he wasn't considered autistic.  He got speech therapy, occupational therapy and physical therapy through school and did really well.  He's doing excellent at school, and he tested out of any therapies here in North Carolina.  But I just knew in my heart that something was up.

Anyway, back in February I had put in another referal for testing.  They called me on Monday to tell me that they had a cancellation Tuesday and if I would like to come in.

So after chatting to his teacher, I went there and the evalutations started.  The doctor was wonderful.  She was so kind and patient and really listened to me and observed what I had been seeing for years.  I showed her these lists that he does all over his school work of Nascar drivers, their starting position, speed, sponsor, finishing position....writing things that he's imagining in his head. She saw him stiffen up and shake like he's done since he was 9 months old.

After many hours of questions, it's confirmed that he has Aspberger's Syndrome.  Honestly it's not a shock, and while it stinks, I'm glad that I have an answer and can move forward.  But he also has some kind of Movement Disorder, with tics.  It's not Tourettes because he doesn't have vocal tics, but it's something along those lines and most likely neurological.

So yesterday he got an ECG done on his heart, and a complete blood panel to include chromosome testing.  He'll be getting an MRI, and a full vision screening, and then he'll be sent to UNC Chapel Hill to see Movement Disorder specialists.  And we'll go from there and see if there is a medicine or treatment that can help with the tics.

ME AGAIN:

How do I feel about this all??

I don't know.

I've seen most of it coming for a while now, but not this testing and tics.  That's new. I feel extremely bad because I've been led to believe that he would outgrow these movements and to gently try to stop him when he does it.  But they are completely involuntary and I've probably been making things worse.

And I really hate that he has to have them.  No one wants to be different, and to have something that you hate and there's nothing you can do to stop them.  Heartbreaking.  But he's the same boy I've loved since before he was born. I'm fortunate that his austism isn't severe enough that he doesn't display affection, or show love.  He hugs me, and cuddles me, and loves me and tells me that he does.  I'm very fortunate.

I'm flip flopping between being upset, overwhelmed, happy for a diagnosis, looking forward to the future, scared for his future, wishing that my husband was here,...but all I can do is learn how to parent and raise Mikey the best, keep fighting for him, and become a better, more patient person myself so that I can give him the best future.  I want him to see that he might have some difficulties in life, but it's not an excuse to why he can't do things, but a reason why he CAN do whatever he wants.

We'll get there.



For the first time ever...

I feel scared.

My husbands battalion lost another soldier this weekend. It's a military wifes worst nightmare, and something that most of us file in that very back corner of our subconscious in a fireproof box labeled "Do Not Open". Because if we do open it, we're just flooded with too many emotions and none of us want to deal with them.

It's the second time in a month that I've had to send out that e-mail, and it doesn't get any easier. Pushing send makes it real.  It's not the useless FRG mail telling families about the mundane events going around post. There's nothing happy about it, and I'm overwhelmed every time I have to do it.

The first deployment my husband was 'just a cook'. For the record, don't ever tell a military cooks wife "Oh, he's just a cook" when they are sending their husband off to war.  They are soldiers too and can also be in harms way.  But you do try to believe that they are somewhat safer.  The second deployment my husband very rarely traveled, and for the most part sat behind a desk.  This time he has a desk job, but doesn't stop traveling.  And this terrifies me.

So I admit it.  My fire proof box is open and I am scared shitless.  After a bottle of wine tonight I will close it again for everybodies sake.  But for those of you who know me, my mask is off even if it is just temporary.

Pray for this soldier.  Pray for his wife and their 2 month old baby. Pray for the soldiers in harms way, their families, and pray that they come home safely.